I’m Still Alive!
Hello my lovely readers!
- Got through my husband’s first deployment.
- Visited Muir Woods, Lake Tahoe, and Yosemite.
- Volunteered at Alamo City Comic Con and: made a friend, assisted Carl Weather’s booth, and got a personalized signed photo from Karl Urban.
- Visited the Great Smoky Mountains in Tennessee for a family reunion.
- Road tripped from my old home town of Louisville, KY to San Antonio, TX with my wonderful mom.
- Damn, when I put it all together, it’s really a lot of stuff!
Anyway, it was a great summer. I hope you had a lovely one as well. And now, for my usual uber-serious life reflection.
Sometimes the simplest things make us think about really deep, and maybe weird, ideas.
For example. I pick my fingers. It’s an ugly, ugly habit – not as ugly as biting, in my opinion, but still terrible. I pick when I’m stressed, when I’m bored, procrastinating, scared, nervous – you name it. I’ve been trying to kick the habit for about 15 years, using all kind of methods, with the longest period of success being about one month.
So the other day, I was trying really hard not to. Of course, it’s worst when I’m learning coding (as it can be really stressful, confusing, and challenging), so I wasn’t letting myself, even when I hit a wall and kind of lost my cool. Naturally, not letting myself pick, I started thinking about just why I wanted to, so badly. Was it really just because, growing up, I’d watched my dad pick his fingers? Was it genetic (I read it can be, although that sounds utterly ridiculous…)? Obviously, no matter what got me started, I’ve come to depend on it to comfort me emotionally, like a baby blanket.
My conclusion: The complexities of why and when I pick my cuticles are beyond me…but are they beyond everyone? See, I believe in an intelligent being (saying “God” can lead to a variety of interpretations). (If you’re not religious, stick around, because this is NOT a theistic argument!) So if there is one, and they are omniscient, it stands to reason they know exactly why I pick, down to the brain cells and memories and emotions. That’s crazy, right? Then I thought, that’s like a movie. Or TV show. When you watch a drama, it takes time to get to know characters. When flashbacks are used to develop them, each flashback highlights a time in their life that shapes them greatly – thus, helping you understand why they are the way they are. And you see them differently. And then you’re able to see two people – the person you saw before, that you know the other characters around them still see them as, but also this other person you realize they are – and all their actions make more sense (and usually, you have more sympathy).
Maybe to an intelligent being, we are like one big addicting TV show. And they don’t know what’s going to happen next – what choices we’re going to make, the consequences – but they also already know every flashback of every person. What a crazy, exhilarating, heartbreaking and beautiful drama humans are, eh?
On a smaller level, if you think about it, a therapist’s job is to be like, a mini-god. To try and understand their patient’s drama. They ask questions hoping to reveal these “highlight flashbacks,” in order to piece together reasons for their patient’s unhealthy behavior, and ideally, help them heal. (Can you guess I’m a firm believer in behavioral therapy?) Of course, a therapist can never really understand everything, but what they can uncover, I believe they have the power to help resolve.
And I think that, true power, true freedom…is when you really, truly know, face, and accept yourself. Whether there’s a being out there or not, let’s be real – you know yourself. You know everything you’ve been through, experienced, thought, desired, done. (Repressed memories need assistance, but we won’t go there.) No matter how much your momma or your boyfriend or whoever loves you, they weren’t around you 24/7/365. Only you have. It’s just that life is so painful, that on our own, most of us can’t quite face it all, and so we turn to drinking, or overworking, or being angry, or maybe, picking (aaand I just made my problem sound petty). Do I know this from experience? No, this is just what I feel deep inside. I feel like a very deep part of me is calling me, whispering to me to face my inner demons once and for all, and be free.
So, yes. Naturally, refraining from picking cuticles while coding would lead to a contemplation of humans as movie characters for an invisible omniscient being, and that once we really read our own life script, we can be free. Naturally.
Watching: The Office (for I think the 3rd time? Yes, it’s my favorite show, and my hubs has NOT SEEN ALL OF THEM!O_O), and finishing up a Harry Potter mania weekend (all 8 movies in…4 days? Two to go. With appropriate British-themed meals and wizard attire, of course. Hubby’s idea. Yes, he’s amazing.)
Playing: Halo. Yes. Hubby got an Xbox and convinced me to play. We just beat Halo 1.
Listening to: Lauv’s I Like Me Better and Moana’s How Far I’ll Go.
In Love With: Butterbeer and baby Leo, our first nephew. Congrats David and Anna!